So, I do realize that I epicly fail at blogging, yo. Please read as: I really don't care.

I'm sick of being a psycho-analyzing, introspective, emo, control freak.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, I do realize it's good to be introspective, I really do. I'm just sick of being it, I'm sick of wallowing in self pity. It's not all about me.

I haven't felt much like blogging, I've journalled probably around 12 pages in the last week. Which is unbelievable for me. And those journal entries will stay right where they are.

So. Anyway. I have attitude adjusting to do. Can I just say that I need someone in my life right now to yell at me for being so stupid? Yes. Crapdangit, I do.

Anyway. I have things to do, people.

I have friends to hang out with, long afternoons to take naps, pictures to take, life to experience. I need to be hopeful, dangit.

I don't feel that hopeful. I'm incredibly restless, to be honest. I've noticed that I'm just lonely, and certain things and certain people walk in and distract me for awhile, but as soon as their gone, I'm still me. And I still feel alone.

I don't know what the answer is. So, distracting, is what I'm doing. I need balance, but haven't quite found out how to be balanced, in a responsible way.

And now, I'm rambling. And none of it makes sense. But, ah, oh well.

So. When you're feeling restless, what do you do?

And recommend me some good books. I need some "i cannot put down" kinda novels.

I also love how I say I'm not going to be so flippin' introspective and then I do it again, sheesh.

Anway. Today is a to-do list day. I'm trying, really, really trying to just be content for once. To get past myself. To get past the expectations, the ones I put on myself, the ones people put on me, and the ones I put on others. I just embrace today.

Dream of the possiblity.

Yeah. All that delicious "live your life" kinda crap. Yay.

And, now I'm being sarcastic and snarky. The truth is that I'm just freaking FRUSTRATED.

Well. I hope you have the loveliest of Thursdays possible. And I hope you eat some dark chocolate tomorrow.

It's a Halloween, y'all.

I need to stop now. Because. This blog post is escalating into oblivion. But, then I do admit, it's absolutely fun. To just sit here and spew out random crap about random nothingness. Except, it's not nothingness. It's my head. Okay. I really am done now.

Thanks to all for the encouraging comments, they are reassuring to hear.

I feel like I'm making bits of progress at the days go on. And then every once in awhile, a step back. I'm trying to appreciate those steps back, they teach me a lot.

I was sitting down today working on my "homeschool" and sat and journalled four pages instead. It was releasing and really beautiful.

Anyway. My play went up this week, we've had such an awesome turnout! For the size of my highschool(2400 students), we don't get much of an audience for our plays. I'm not really sure why, but this time 'round we've had the biggest audiences ever. And it's not even the weekend yet! Wooot.

I'm pretty tired, I've been at school in twelve hour increments here and there for the last couple of weeks. And I haven't been home until at least 10 every night this week. A little exhausted, but sooooo sad to see this play end. I really love this cast and I am going to miss all the fun we've had together.

I also love having 11 friends show up last night and give you hugs and flowers afterwards and just be plain amazing. Friends are the bestest.

I am a little excited to be able to get back to the things I just haven't been able to do because of lack of time. Actually use my film camera again, finish homework before 11 each night, hang out with friends on weekends, y'know, all that yummy teenagerishyness(why, yes. that is a word).

I'm currently working on a little Hambly home decor project that I'll try to post soon! I feel like such a dork making it, but it's so fun!

Also. Hoping to get a new update for the ole shop up by November 3rd. Poor girl has been shamefully neglected in the last month. Then probably another update before Christmas. Won't pocket journals make the best stocking stuffers ever? :D

Allright. Here are some recent photos that I've taken! Enjoy. And have a blessed weekend!

And then she breathed.

I sometimes feel like that little girl stuck in a dream. She wanders around in naivety and silly, childish ideas. She's trying to find something. A kiss from her mama, the perfect imaginary friend, some ridiculous fairy tale fantasy. She has big ideas about what life is about. It's about safety and comfort and security. That's how it looks to her.

Things happen for a reason.

I was talking to a friend about his relationship with my best friend. She's a girl I'd die for, I'm pretty sure she's the only one who really understands me. If anyone was to mess with her, they'd see the back of my hand and a colorful earful. He was asking for advice and my opinion on something. My answers were "let things happen. everything happens for a reason". Things worked out.

I think I forget that everything happens for a reason. Small disappointments happen for a reason. Every person that comes into my life happens for a reason. They don't know it, but I do believe every conversation has a purpose. The ups and downs have a reason. Every little emotion. They happen for a reason.

Something big could happen, but I'm thinking that "the Big" is a long trail of the littles.

I wanted to write this blog post with a big "I am done with this. I am done with giving my heart to someone I can never have. I am done. I am done with feeling emotions and disappointing conversations. I am done with pretending. I am done with not dealing with reality".

Every single one of those things are true. But. I had to feel them and the truth is, I'm still feeling them. Sometimes I get a little disappointed that I miss these "a-ha" moments, thank God they don't happen too often, they're a little exhausting. :)

think a lot. It's one of my downfalls, but, hey, it's part of me. I was having a mental pity-party once. Have you ever had one of those weird experiences when you're thinking and something pops into your mind that you didn't come up with. Like, something whispered in your ear. It's not one of those "well. it just occured to me". No. I had nothing to do with. I don't where they come from, maybe it's God or something else, all I know is I didn't come up with it. I heard "A boyfriend isn't going to fix your problems".

It wasn't "you don't need a boyfriend", "you're perfectly fine. you don't need to be completed now". Those are things I tell myself on a daily basis, they're little games I play with myself to bleach out the loneliness and the expectations I make myself think about having a relationship.

No, it was "a boyfriend isn't going to fix your problems". And, of course, I was like "what problems?". *please insert rolling eye smilie*.

I was asked twice by people this week why I thought I had to be perfect. People generally concerned.

This last week was one of those weeks where I seemed to be more aware of my shortcomings and failures. There's always someone who is better.

I just... can't please myself anymore.

I don't really know what the whole point of this post is. I really don't. It's what's in my head this week. It's definitely not "omg. my problems are all fixed from the last post". Hell, no. That'd be much too easy.

I have so many good people in my life. People that feel just like me, that know me. That know what's best and maybe it's not always what's best for me. But, they know what's best.

There are things that really stick with me. I was told-

"Kara, you just need to get over the fact that you could fail".

That made me stop and think.

I just have so many questions. I feel like I spend more time being frustrated and confused.

I was listening to this guy and his second song on the page (Some streets lead nowhere). There's this lyric that goes like this "I slept with my failures and I started to breathe."

And I know something.

I feel.

That's what I do. And sometimes it's effing hurts and the bleached out skies haunt me more than anything else and really the best thing is just to ball my eyes out. But, sometimes I just have to feel.

And then I slowly remember to breathe. Because, I have belief and beauty and goodness all around me.

Wet mascara dots my pillow. Had one of those "must cry or die" moments tonight.

I hate that I'm not growing. I hate that I'm in this same place. That was four months ago. I want change. I want to see it happening. I hate feeling lost and lonely and not good enough. I hate waiting.

I hate listening to myself complain. I hate knowing that I really do have it perfectly fine.

I don't know what I want.

I'm so over the up and down.

It haunts me.

Sharrrring some layouts that I've done recently!

These are some pretties I fished up for Hambly. I got my loooovely box last month and just haven't had the time to really soak in the awesomeness. And when I say awesomeness, I mean awesomeness, people.

I'm totally excited because the new Design Team galleries should be going up soon on the blog.

Lloyd has to be the coolest camera ever. Except that I still haven't had time to make him work. One o' these days, one o' these days.

Some of the recent October lovings that have been on my mind. Yay for October.

This is an art journal page that I made... hey, almost a month ago. Sheesh, time goes by fast.

I was listening to this song and was in of my super introspective moods. I'd write out a lyric and then something would pop into my head. It was super therapeutic and I totally recommend it. Just find yourself a song that makes you feel something and listen to it while you journal. I wasn't focused at all while writing, but it still came out beautiful to me.

And here is a little love-note/thingie I wrote for my sister.

I used some pretties from a while back from the Paper Pixie Etsy shop. Kelly was super awesome with sending me some pretties. I'm addicted to those frames.

Uhhh. Randomness....

Life is sorta confusing for me right now. Keep me in your thoughts/prayers. Nothing big, don't worry. :D

Excited about Jeremy Larson's new album. Digging his stuff.

Have a great Thursday night!

So, yeah. I'm pretty darn sure October is going to fly by. I mean. I'm not sure where September, much less how it just happens to be October 7th. Really. I want to know, people.

I haven't felt much in the blogging mood. But, I'm going to anyway. Because, blogging is good for soul. And I'm pretty sure I want that saying on a wall plaque someday.

I scampered off to Oregon last Thursday to visit my sister. It was lovely and wonderful. College life seems strange to me, kinda made we wanna come home, curl up in my bed, listen to crappy music, and still know that my mommy will be making dinner. It's a good life, that one of a teenager.

Things I decided after this trip:

1. Small colleges are not for me. She goes to a small Christian college of 900 students. My highschool has 2400 students and it doesn't seem that big to me. I kinda like not knowing people. It's more mysterious.

2. Bringing my charger for the iPod would be a smart idea. So then you don't have to listen to baseball games and annoying 14 year old little brothers when your freaking iPod dies.

3. That Portland, Oregon is the bomb dot com.

She lives about an hour away from Portland and me family drove to Portland to watch her soccer game there.

I love rain.

Amen.

Except watching soccer games in the rain. Not fun, not fun at all.

All in all, it was a lovely pants weekend and I went to the best Goodwill ever. It was great.

Uhhh. Lots of random things on my mind. Hoping to blog about them soon. I was looking through my "Creative Aspirations" journal last night and all the things I wanted to do "just for fun" in September were unchecked. And that made me very cross. Must get on that.

Evvvverybody's birthday I know is in October. I'm running around trying to find the perfect combination of handmade, random, and suitable for that person. Also thinking about Christmas gifts already. Probably going to make little zippered pouches with fun fabric for my friends. Yay.

I guess I could share some puh-hotos.

And for all you requesting Homecoming photos. I'll get on it soon! I'm a laaazy butt. :D

Some recent oufits. Really like sharing them. I LOOOVE clothes!

Click on photos for more detailed descriptions.

Randomness--

I'll share some layouts soon. Some Hamblyness, some TAIFness, and some pretties from the October kit.

Oh, and I posted a little challenge at the SFAC blog. Play along and you'll get a chance at an awesome monthly RAK!

Happy Wednesday!

Actual conversation is girl's bathroom.

Kara. Washing her hands. Admiring herself in the mirror, nothing especially unusual.

Random cute little girl. Well, I mean she was a Freshman. And little. Because for some reason all the freshman are little this year at school. Kara doesn't remember being that small as a Freshman.

Kara is still probably that small.

"I like your boots"- RLF (Random Little Freshman)

"Thanks!" -Kara. Kara recently found out that supposedly I'm kinda stuck up before they meet me. I, I mean... Kara is trying to fix this. So. I'm being extra nice to people. When Kara remembers.

"Do they hurt your feet?"- RLF

"No. They aren't too bad. They hurt those... what are they called? Uhhhhh.....(Kara couldn't remember what the arches of your feet are called. Apparently, they are called... arches). Yeah. My arches."

"Oh"- RLF

Long sorta kinda awkwardish pause induces.

Is induce the right word?

Anyway.

"Are you a Freshman"- RLF

Now. This is what was running through Kara's head--

"Why me? Why me? WHY freaking ME? I'm sorta kinda mature. I'm sorta kinda not... well. A Freshman. WHY MEEEEEEE?"

Before Kara decided to go ballistic on sweet RLF, because remember Kara she is trying to be nicer to people she doesn't know, she decided to just be... nice.

"No... I'm a Junior" - Big sweet smile from Kara

"Oh"- RLF

"You look like your like... 19"- RLF

What's running through Kara's head.

"YES. FREAKING YES!!!"

What Kara actually said-

"Uhh. Thanks."- Big sweet smile from Kara.



Now. If you managed to read through that. You deserve a GOLD STAR.

Anyway.

Kara is.... I mean life is crazy busy. And one of these days I'll do something epic on the ole' blog.

In the meantime. Please, further contemplate ways to wear bathrobes to school. Because, that's what I did today. (And a picture above to prove!)

I felt freaking awesome.